A New Mom Going Back to Work

Erin, myself and Sabrina in the bakery's early days

I'm going back to work in a few days and my anxiety levels are through the roof.  Despite my extensive experience at BabyCakes NYC (I've worked there pretty consistently since 2005.  I know that place like the back of my hand.  I set up it's counter procedures, POS system, Front of the House policies, bookkeeping practices and inventory), I feel as if I'm starting a whole new career.  The reason for this has to be because I've never worked there with a bitty baby strapped to my chest.

I'm lucky.  My sister runs the bakery at which I work and she is giving me a dream mom job.  She's allowing me a trial run of bringing the baby with me and is setting up an incredibly flexible schedule.  This is fantastic; I couldn't ask for a better job!

This doesn't mean, however, that it will be easy to adapt to the new identity of a working mom.

Even as I write that last line, I get upset.  Being a mom has to be one of the most difficult, non-stop, anxiety-inducing jobs I've ever had.  To tag the word "working" to the front of it is a redundancy.  I've worked pretty damn hard.  I guess it might be best to say that I'm taking on a second job.  And I don't know how good I'm going to be at it. 

I never thought going back would be this hard.

Come to think of it, I didn't think much of motherhood before she was born.  I thought hiring a sitter and leaving the baby with her would be simple.  I imagined I would jump at every opportunity to have one.  I wondered, "why in the hell do people lose so much sleep because their babies are crying?  Can't they just easily ignore them for the sake of sleep." I believed that I would be chomping at the bit to go back to work.    

Every one of these assumptions were ludicrous. I hate leaving Darla with the sitter and miss her the entire time I'm gone.  My heart hurts when the baby cries, so I do everything in my power to try and calm her in the middle of the night. 

As far as going back to work is concerned, I don't want to go back for many reasons, many of which I'm sure most moms will understand.

I'm nervous about strapping her to my chest and, basically, having to ignore her babbles as I work.  (She won't know the difference.  She'll probably think I'm talking to her).  I'm scared that bringing her to work isn't going to be successful and I will have to hire a sitter, which will basically mean I'll be working in order to pay for daycare.  I'm afraid I'll get so exhausted from doubling up jobs that I won't be able to be a present mom.   I'm anxious that I won't be able to write at all because all my energy will be expelled.

I guess what it all boils down to is fear.  And, since I can't get around it, I have to go through it.  Only time will tell if my anxieties are founded.